Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Until now (a little brief of my life)

I know this is about my personal diaries, but I’d like to add a stop to analyse my life, now that I’m 40. Since I was a little kid, somehow I feel it wasn’t easy for me to fit, I liked being alone. And I think that led some kids to bullied me, and because I was weak and innocent. When I was 9 I started writing in a diary about the things happening to me sometimes, I didn’t say a lot, but I was always complaining, and it was my way to get off my chest, because I used to hold everything inside of me, putting up with the humiliations and many more feelings. The truth is that I don’t remember anything, I just have a feeling, and every time I know about kids and youths suffering, I get really emotional. As a consequence I put a mask on, so that nobody noticed me, becoming a bit shy, and I tried to talk the less possible, not sharing my opinions, and other things, I’m afraid it wasn’t difficult to do that. It is quite easy trying to please people and avoid confrontations. The results: 30 years later, here I am, not sure of who I really am. Being a teenager, I could see a more wide scenario, I had friends, who respected me, I had fun with them, and guys, drinking, smoking,etc…. All I wanted to do was that. But when I got to the age of deciding what to do the rest of my life, I had no clue, but singing and work for the music business. So I went to a couple of castings and contests, and after those months my mother told me I wasn’t good enough, so the best was to choose something else. I really think that decision, at my 20s, to forget about music, was the key to my unhappiness until now. After 6 years figuring out what I could do, I finally finished Secretarial Studies, I was proud, taking into account I actually sucked as a student. However, I was still daydreaming about becoming a singer, I found websites to upload original songs and I applied to some castings and that stuff, with no luck at all. But, I realised singing and writing songs, made me feel so good, that whenever I could I used to do it. Even with these studies, it was very tough to find a job, I’m talking about the year 2008 (economic breakdown). I’ve been working in so many fields, forgetting about my dream, and wondering why in 10 years it was so struggling to just get a job in the Administration Area. But I made it. After such a long waiting, 10 years later (2018) I got a job as administrator in a good company, now I’m permanent and independent. I should be happy, right?? But I just don’t feel it. And I’ve been wondering why, is it the career? Would I be happy if I were a singer? Is it inside of me the happiness? Or maybe is it just an illusion? Lately I feel so fed up at work, I don’t enjoy it anymore. I wish it could happen like in a movie, some kind of opportunity to meet someone, to write to that person the lyrics for songs, and quit my job to live in the USA and make a living by doing that. I admit I’ve been very lazy, it’s easier to excuse myself, with my low self-esteem, my lack of money, the fact that I’m not English native. I keep singing and uploading covers, tired of not a lot of answers and listeners. Tired of doing nothing, because after work all I really want is to have a rest and watch TV or listening to music. Why is it so easy not doing anything? I don’t even care about my health and body, and I should! Because I’m getting more and more round. How do people to overcome their struggles? So, yeah, I guess this is life. I can’t complain and I won’t, but it sucks to feel like this, I try to do things to improve my poor music skills, but somehow, I feel I got to a point that nothing matters anyway. And I don’t know what to do, because going to therapists don’t help me, I even tried hypnosis to remember that past and didn’t turn out well. As I say, I guess, I just have to keep living and see what happens. Maybe in other life I’m not that insecure, and somebody supports me and worths me as a person and a singer. I wanna think that one day I could compose a song and share it, because the biggest clue in life is never stop trying what you really want to do. And as well, I hope to finish writing this blog, with all the episodes I have writing in my notebooks. Writing now it is a step forward. It’s already difficult to me to talk about my life, but writing is the best option. There are times I think I could write a book about my life, you know: BULLYING, ALCOHOL, LOVE ISSUES, CHRONIC ILLNESS, SURGERY,... I really think someone would like it, even a TV-series, or a movie. I have lots of ideas, where do you go to give your ideas? Maybe my biggest issue is that I feel nobody cares what I do, even with this blog. I mean, you can't force people to read your stuff, is it all about promoting yourself? I'm tired of even wondering all the time so many things. No matter what I’ll keep dreaming.

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