Monday, April 5, 2021

98. IN THE END, FUNNY

Esther has decided to write a love letter to Jay, because she found out his address and all his information. She thought that maybe was a very weird craziness but Wendy dared her, so then she showed her that she could do it. When she was about to send it to him, started thinking that he might see her, and obviously that could be very embarrassing. And this is exactly what has happened on Saturday, so Esther tried not to look at him. Besides Imogen has gone to say a couple of things to George and he spit on her face. Freaking amazing!!! And even denying they had kissed, Esther knew he was lying, because she was there! For another hand Luke’s friends were cheering Maureen up, they didn’t expect anything like that, even one of the guys started to flirt with her, saying that Luke was an idiot for not worthing her, and saying she was very beautiful. There has been also a moment that they saw Stelle, and told her about Ivor and Molly , and she didn’t know anything of that, who also informed Esther that she was going out with the girl she was with more than the others, because they got tired of so many dramas (duh, obvious) and they sometimes date guys who are friends, like it’s something common. Well, yes, she might be right, but if you don’t like a guy at the beginning, and after some months you like him, what happened there? (Again Esther just thinking all this to herself) Going home, Esther has met a couple of boys, who were nice but they wanted to go with her to her pad, but she didn’t trust them, so she told them to leave. How strange things can happen in a night, Esther is glad, that even though she gets drunk, she knows what she’s doing, like letting some strangers go with her, when she is totally capable of going alone…

Sunday, March 21, 2021

97. SURPRISINGLY

Tonight the girls have been calmly drinking in a pub and suddenly some guys introduced themselves, they were quite a pain, but thank God in the end they could get rid of them, they weren’t even cute… Partying through the pubs of the zone, Esther’s been seeing Jay almost all night long, but she didn’t realise until leaving the pubs, quite funny. In the last ones she was even embarrassed ‘cause this time she wasn’t following him. Someone whom the girls have also been running into, was Luke, who, by the way, finally has talked to Maureen, especially because it's too obvious too, how she stares at him, and confessed her that he didn’t want anything with her, just maybe good friends. So, she’s got devastated. Esther’s met Herbert and JM too, who have been teasing her a long time, they just go too far!! And then again dancing with JM’s friend. At the end of the night they’ve run into Ivor and Molly, who are all the time together, they’ve even said that they’re dating: amazing!!! They’ve become heavies!: amazing too; LOL. They were the kings of dance and right now they're heavies, how is that possible? Anyway! Good for them if they like each other, a bit weird though, after such a long time together as friends. That made her night and the girls too, gossiping about it.

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Until now (a little brief of my life)

I know this is about my personal diaries, but I’d like to add a stop to analyse my life, now that I’m 40. Since I was a little kid, somehow I feel it wasn’t easy for me to fit, I liked being alone. And I think that led some kids to bullied me, and because I was weak and innocent. When I was 9 I started writing in a diary about the things happening to me sometimes, I didn’t say a lot, but I was always complaining, and it was my way to get off my chest, because I used to hold everything inside of me, putting up with the humiliations and many more feelings. The truth is that I don’t remember anything, I just have a feeling, and every time I know about kids and youths suffering, I get really emotional. As a consequence I put a mask on, so that nobody noticed me, becoming a bit shy, and I tried to talk the less possible, not sharing my opinions, and other things, I’m afraid it wasn’t difficult to do that. It is quite easy trying to please people and avoid confrontations. The results: 30 years later, here I am, not sure of who I really am. Being a teenager, I could see a more wide scenario, I had friends, who respected me, I had fun with them, and guys, drinking, smoking,etc…. All I wanted to do was that. But when I got to the age of deciding what to do the rest of my life, I had no clue, but singing and work for the music business. So I went to a couple of castings and contests, and after those months my mother told me I wasn’t good enough, so the best was to choose something else. I really think that decision, at my 20s, to forget about music, was the key to my unhappiness until now. After 6 years figuring out what I could do, I finally finished Secretarial Studies, I was proud, taking into account I actually sucked as a student. However, I was still daydreaming about becoming a singer, I found websites to upload original songs and I applied to some castings and that stuff, with no luck at all. But, I realised singing and writing songs, made me feel so good, that whenever I could I used to do it. Even with these studies, it was very tough to find a job, I’m talking about the year 2008 (economic breakdown). I’ve been working in so many fields, forgetting about my dream, and wondering why in 10 years it was so struggling to just get a job in the Administration Area. But I made it. After such a long waiting, 10 years later (2018) I got a job as administrator in a good company, now I’m permanent and independent. I should be happy, right?? But I just don’t feel it. And I’ve been wondering why, is it the career? Would I be happy if I were a singer? Is it inside of me the happiness? Or maybe is it just an illusion? Lately I feel so fed up at work, I don’t enjoy it anymore. I wish it could happen like in a movie, some kind of opportunity to meet someone, to write to that person the lyrics for songs, and quit my job to live in the USA and make a living by doing that. I admit I’ve been very lazy, it’s easier to excuse myself, with my low self-esteem, my lack of money, the fact that I’m not English native. I keep singing and uploading covers, tired of not a lot of answers and listeners. Tired of doing nothing, because after work all I really want is to have a rest and watch TV or listening to music. Why is it so easy not doing anything? I don’t even care about my health and body, and I should! Because I’m getting more and more round. How do people to overcome their struggles? So, yeah, I guess this is life. I can’t complain and I won’t, but it sucks to feel like this, I try to do things to improve my poor music skills, but somehow, I feel I got to a point that nothing matters anyway. And I don’t know what to do, because going to therapists don’t help me, I even tried hypnosis to remember that past and didn’t turn out well. As I say, I guess, I just have to keep living and see what happens. Maybe in other life I’m not that insecure, and somebody supports me and worths me as a person and a singer. I wanna think that one day I could compose a song and share it, because the biggest clue in life is never stop trying what you really want to do. And as well, I hope to finish writing this blog, with all the episodes I have writing in my notebooks. Writing now it is a step forward. It’s already difficult to me to talk about my life, but writing is the best option. There are times I think I could write a book about my life, you know: BULLYING, ALCOHOL, LOVE ISSUES, CHRONIC ILLNESS, SURGERY,... I really think someone would like it, even a TV-series, or a movie. I have lots of ideas, where do you go to give your ideas? Maybe my biggest issue is that I feel nobody cares what I do, even with this blog. I mean, you can't force people to read your stuff, is it all about promoting yourself? I'm tired of even wondering all the time so many things. No matter what I’ll keep dreaming.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

96. MAKE YOURSELF UNDERSTOOD

Imogen and Esther have met to go to the cinema to see a movie they really wanted to see, and they’ve loved it. When they were leaving, they’ve seen Adam, Esther still feels weird since the kiss thing, and got blushed, that’s what happens if she’s not drunk… So, they went to the Sylvan to drink, hahaha. Then Maureen’s phoned Esther and they’ve met in a pub, but she arrived quite late, so meanwhile they talked to Luke and his friends, in that moment Esther realised that Imogen had never talked to Luke, probably that was the reason Luke had a very weird face, she just hopes Imogen is not saying anything that she wouldn’t. However that weird face from Luke was fun. The two girls have been talking all that time with almost every boy of the group, but all in a sudden Imogen wanted to change, and there’s no point to discuss it, she really hated that!! But that was when they met Maureen, who was expecting to see Luke and got annoyed because she didn’t see him in all night but the girls did. Well, that didn’t stop Esther to enjoy the night, who’s been talking with lots of guys, like Adam, Troy’s friends and another one called Freddy, who was telling her that he knew her from somewhere, but she didn’t, and there they have been a while. When Esther got home, she didn’t want to sleep, so she wrote in her diary the last news, and even though lots of things happen, she tries to see the good side in all, thinking that no matter what, she has to be herself and not let anyone bring her down. It’s funny because regarding Imogen, she can’t stand most of the things from her, but somehow she feels that Imogen is actually the only one who wants to be with her, whereas maybe other people or friends are with her for self-interest, or maybe that thought is wrong?

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

95. EVERYBODY’S GONE

Today Esther had new clothes to go out, the gifts! Imogen’s got drunk because she always drinks alone in the Sylvan, since Esther told her that she was not going there anymore, anyway… They have to put up with her, because besides when she’s drunk she’s even ruder (if possible), until she began to talk to a guy about philosophy and the girls decided to leave her with him, hahaha. They’ve run into Becky and when Esther told her what they had done, Becky got annoyed by that, “what? But these people who don’t know anything, why do they have to give their opinion??” She wanted to get Imogen, so Esther cheered her up laughing to go out with her then. Later, of course, they’ve seen Luke and Co., Esther lately talks a lot to a friend of him ‘The Quiet’ and debating about Maureen’s thing until she heard them and all blushed left with Ivy, and they left her alone. Esther felt like they don’t have sense of humour. Going home she saw Imogen, who was still drunk and scared her fooling around, she also said that Jay and George were around, and to follow them. Then in a pub they were with Hugh and his friends, joking and making jokes of Imogen, not even noticing it… Esther had to tell her and they both left because that was too much…

Monday, June 12, 2017

94. WORST CHRISTMAS EVER

What a huge telling off has been today. And just because Imogen takes it into her head to be blue. So Esther has had to go to her house with Wendy, why? ‘Cause Imogen has phoned her saying that Esther didn’t want to see her, and that she’s her best friend, what a tricky and twisted behaviour. Anyway, there they have been, the 3 of them doing nothing and then to party at her house and say goodbye to this year, and everybody happy, conclusion: Imogen is a damn changeable fussy liar and besides ungrateful; you have to leave anything you have to do to please her whims. Yeah, maybe, going through the divorce of their parents is hard, the fact that he’s never around, and her mother is all the time working, which leads her to want attention from other people like her “friends”, and just because she doesn’t have siblings, she needs company, but even though Esther is aware of that, she already has her own life, with her yelling parents, arguing all the time, as well as their sisters, but she doesn’t ask for all the attention, as her friend, making her selfish and a lot of negative energy she gives off. Yet, in the night, Esther was still mad, and she said she didn’t want to be with Imogen, and the big telling off began, until a guy got in the middle to calm things down. In the end Maureen, Ivy and Esther left, and they had fun. Even Maureen talked to Luke. Going back home, they run into Wendy, who was dressed up (“Is it carnival??”), who was quite annoyed with Esther for leaving her alone with Imogen: “- What are you talking about?”- asked her Esther-“you’ve decided to be with her” Wendy-“I had no alternative” Esther-“Oh come on! You guys are always complaining about her, but do nothing at all, and the one who most spends the time with her it’s me!! Only me!! Because you see her and run away! Wendy- “you’re always the victim here, but you should have more empathy towards her, ‘cause she has feelings too” Esther – “Are you serious?? You really think I have no empathy?? You should be kidding, really, we’ve stopped doing our things today, and I had to be with my grandma, help my mum with errands, the New Year’s Eve dinner, and my own stuff, to do NOTHING this afternoon, just pleasing her for NOTHING, I’m sick and tired of her. You go, everywhere she tells you, and just whenever she wants, and do JUST all that she wants, come on! I’ll pass her to you, and be her BFF, all yours! And if this wasn’t enough, another one in the middle, Phoebe, Maureen’s sister, saying that she’s had a lot of fun with Imogen. “-Great!! Go out with her then…”-

93. HAVING A GOOD TIME

This week has been horrible, what a cold Esther had! At least she felt better at the weekend, and when Maureen phoned her, she told her about everything that had happened. When they went out Imogen brought hash, because of some contacts. She definitely surprised the girls. It was a long time that they didn’t have that kind of plan, which makes Esther being sleepy and silly, whereas her friends had been joking around, even when they saw Adam, who left astonished. Esther was having lots of fun with Imogen, talking about Luke, they both think they scared him, ‘cause he also left appalled. Maureen felt embarrassed, not knowing where to hide, but the girls cheered her up. Later they run into JM and his friends, and one of them was making fun of Esther, she felt really annoyed about that, it reminded her to that past she didn’t want to remember ever in her life, all those humiliating days, putting up with cruel and mean behaviour from people who didn’t like her way of be. Now, she finally could be almost whoever she wanted, because she had real friends, who accept her in every way. But that doesn’t mean that some guys, or people, still like teasing other people to feel better with themselves, so sad…