100. ALL NIGHT CHASING

Tonight Esther was dying to go out, and from the beginning, it’s gone to pot. In the 1st pub they’ve been in, it was “the hottie blondie”; a guy who was going to private tuitions with Imogen and Esther, who lives in her neighbourhood. As it’s been said, he’s really hot, whom Imogen likes, well Esther too, of course. She even sees him sometimes, but they don’t remember his name, so they calm him “The Hottie”. And just with that joke, they’ve started to follow him, how embarrassing! At least she stopped to say Hi to the people she knew in that way. In the end, there has been a moment that he’s realised that it was quite a coincidence, so Esther said goodbye to Imogen because she just wanted to go home. But then, she said to go to the last pub, where by chance were Jay and Co. , and going to the toilet Esther has seen George, who’s told her to leave Jay alone, that she’s weighing him up too much. This was horrifying amazing!!! Really depressing for her, when she was waiting the moment to kiss Jay, and talk to him, and suddenly: this bomb! ... Esther couldn’t wait to go home to cry her eyes out, she felt so unlucky regarding love, why it was so difficult to get the boys that she liked? It was always the other way round, there had to be the boys who flirted with her, because if not she wouldn’t be with any guy. She just doesn’t understand, is she so ugly? She knows she can be quite shy and reserved at first, but drinking that wasn’t the case. She is always trying to be nice, and polite, what else wanted those boys? She’s been writing this in her diary, not knowing exactly what the heck was the problem with her, just after those 3 years going out, partying, meeting boys, but the ones he really liked, they weren’t in return, is she too demanding maybe? She doesn’t think so…

99. OBSESSED

Today it’s been a whole funny day; there have been just 3 classes, because apparently some teachers had a dinner last night and they got sick, so: half free day! Esther has been talking to Wendy about Jay, and she’s tried to help her stop that obsession with him, that she can’t be all the time thinking about what could happen between them, if ever, or how to react, what to say? so.. the typical Esther thing. Afterwards, Imogen was joining and began to say such silly weird things that she was just coming out with!! That Esther had to tell her off and then again another kind of argument, could this be so common? Obviously Wendy couldn’t believe all that, so, tired of that, they went home. Then, there she was Esther, in her bedroom, thinking again about Jay, so much, that she’s even phoned him 4 times! Until he took it, how embarrassing! At least she has listened to his voice today. In her way to the leaving room, the family was watching the football game, so unbelievable! All of them? Her sisters hate football! And just because the local team has won, there’s been like a celebration. Honestly, this is Esther’s favourite part of her family, no matter how hard her father and sisters yell, the food, very well made from her mother, was the only moment of little peace, all of them, there, quiet, eating and enjoying the meals and dessert.

98. IN THE END, FUNNY

Esther has decided to write a love letter to Jay, because she found out his address and all his information. She thought that maybe was a very weird craziness but Wendy dared her, so then she showed her that she could do it. When she was about to send it to him, started thinking that he might see her, and obviously that could be very embarrassing. And this is exactly what has happened on Saturday, so Esther tried not to look at him. Besides Imogen has gone to say a couple of things to George and he spit on her face. Freaking amazing!!! And even denying they had kissed, Esther knew he was lying, because she was there! For another hand Luke’s friends were cheering Maureen up, they didn’t expect anything like that, even one of the guys started to flirt with her, saying that Luke was an idiot for not worthing her, and saying she was very beautiful. There has been also a moment that they saw Stelle, and told her about Ivor and Molly , and she didn’t know anything of that, who also informed Esther that she was going out with the girl she was with more than the others, because they got tired of so many dramas (duh, obvious) and they sometimes date guys who are friends, like it’s something common. Well, yes, she might be right, but if you don’t like a guy at the beginning, and after some months you like him, what happened there? (Again Esther just thinking all this to herself) Going home, Esther has met a couple of boys, who were nice but they wanted to go with her to her pad, but she didn’t trust them, so she told them to leave. How strange things can happen in a night, Esther is glad, that even though she gets drunk, she knows what she’s doing, like letting some strangers go with her, when she is totally capable of going alone…

97. SURPRISINGLY

Tonight the girls have been calmly drinking in a pub and suddenly some guys introduced themselves, they were quite a pain, but thank God in the end they could get rid of them, they weren’t even cute… Partying through the pubs of the zone, Esther’s been seeing Jay almost all night long, but she didn’t realise until leaving the pubs, quite funny. In the last ones she was even embarrassed ‘cause this time she wasn’t following him. Someone whom the girls have also been running into, was Luke, who, by the way, finally has talked to Maureen, especially because it's too obvious too, how she stares at him, and confessed her that he didn’t want anything with her, just maybe good friends. So, she’s got devastated. Esther’s met Herbert and JM too, who have been teasing her a long time, they just go too far!! And then again dancing with JM’s friend. At the end of the night they’ve run into Ivor and Molly, who are all the time together, they’ve even said that they’re dating: amazing!!! They’ve become heavies!: amazing too; LOL. They were the kings of dance and right now they're heavies, how is that possible? Anyway! Good for them if they like each other, a bit weird though, after such a long time together as friends. That made her night and the girls too, gossiping about it.

Until now (a little brief of my life)

I know this is about my personal diaries, but I’d like to add a stop to analyse my life, now that I’m 40. Since I was a little kid, somehow I feel it wasn’t easy for me to fit, I liked being alone. And I think that led some kids to bullied me, and because I was weak and innocent. When I was 9 I started writing in a diary about the things happening to me sometimes, I didn’t say a lot, but I was always complaining, and it was my way to get off my chest, because I used to hold everything inside of me, putting up with the humiliations and many more feelings. The truth is that I don’t remember anything, I just have a feeling, and every time I know about kids and youths suffering, I get really emotional. As a consequence I put a mask on, so that nobody noticed me, becoming a bit shy, and I tried to talk the less possible, not sharing my opinions, and other things, I’m afraid it wasn’t difficult to do that. It is quite easy trying to please people and avoid confrontations. The results: 30 years later, here I am, not sure of who I really am. Being a teenager, I could see a more wide scenario, I had friends, who respected me, I had fun with them, and guys, drinking, smoking,etc…. All I wanted to do was that. But when I got to the age of deciding what to do the rest of my life, I had no clue, but singing and work for the music business. So I went to a couple of castings and contests, and after those months my mother told me I wasn’t good enough, so the best was to choose something else. I really think that decision, at my 20s, to forget about music, was the key to my unhappiness until now. After 6 years figuring out what I could do, I finally finished Secretarial Studies, I was proud, taking into account I actually sucked as a student. However, I was still daydreaming about becoming a singer, I found websites to upload original songs and I applied to some castings and that stuff, with no luck at all. But, I realised singing and writing songs, made me feel so good, that whenever I could I used to do it. Even with these studies, it was very tough to find a job, I’m talking about the year 2008 (economic breakdown). I’ve been working in so many fields, forgetting about my dream, and wondering why in 10 years it was so struggling to just get a job in the Administration Area. But I made it. After such a long waiting, 10 years later (2018) I got a job as administrator in a good company, now I’m permanent and independent. I should be happy, right?? But I just don’t feel it. And I’ve been wondering why, is it the career? Would I be happy if I were a singer? Is it inside of me the happiness? Or maybe is it just an illusion? Lately I feel so fed up at work, I don’t enjoy it anymore. I wish it could happen like in a movie, some kind of opportunity to meet someone, to write to that person the lyrics for songs, and quit my job to live in the USA and make a living by doing that. I admit I’ve been very lazy, it’s easier to excuse myself, with my low self-esteem, my lack of money, the fact that I’m not English native. I keep singing and uploading covers, tired of not a lot of answers and listeners. Tired of doing nothing, because after work all I really want is to have a rest and watch TV or listening to music. Why is it so easy not doing anything? I don’t even care about my health and body, and I should! Because I’m getting more and more round. How do people to overcome their struggles? So, yeah, I guess this is life. I can’t complain and I won’t, but it sucks to feel like this, I try to do things to improve my poor music skills, but somehow, I feel I got to a point that nothing matters anyway. And I don’t know what to do, because going to therapists don’t help me, I even tried hypnosis to remember that past and didn’t turn out well. As I say, I guess, I just have to keep living and see what happens. Maybe in other life I’m not that insecure, and somebody supports me and worths me as a person and a singer. I wanna think that one day I could compose a song and share it, because the biggest clue in life is never stop trying what you really want to do. And as well, I hope to finish writing this blog, with all the episodes I have writing in my notebooks. Writing now it is a step forward. It’s already difficult to me to talk about my life, but writing is the best option. There are times I think I could write a book about my life, you know: BULLYING, ALCOHOL, LOVE ISSUES, CHRONIC ILLNESS, SURGERY,... I really think someone would like it, even a TV-series, or a movie. I have lots of ideas, where do you go to give your ideas? Maybe my biggest issue is that I feel nobody cares what I do, even with this blog. I mean, you can't force people to read your stuff, is it all about promoting yourself? I'm tired of even wondering all the time so many things. No matter what I’ll keep dreaming.

96. MAKE YOURSELF UNDERSTOOD

Imogen and Esther have met to go to the cinema to see a movie they really wanted to see, and they’ve loved it. When they were leaving, they’ve seen Adam, Esther still feels weird since the kiss thing, and got blushed, that’s what happens if she’s not drunk… So, they went to the Sylvan to drink, hahaha. Then Maureen’s phoned Esther and they’ve met in a pub, but she arrived quite late, so meanwhile they talked to Luke and his friends, in that moment Esther realised that Imogen had never talked to Luke, probably that was the reason Luke had a very weird face, she just hopes Imogen is not saying anything that she wouldn’t. However that weird face from Luke was fun. The two girls have been talking all that time with almost every boy of the group, but all in a sudden Imogen wanted to change, and there’s no point to discuss it, she really hated that!! But that was when they met Maureen, who was expecting to see Luke and got annoyed because she didn’t see him in all night but the girls did. Well, that didn’t stop Esther to enjoy the night, who’s been talking with lots of guys, like Adam, Troy’s friends and another one called Freddy, who was telling her that he knew her from somewhere, but she didn’t, and there they have been a while. When Esther got home, she didn’t want to sleep, so she wrote in her diary the last news, and even though lots of things happen, she tries to see the good side in all, thinking that no matter what, she has to be herself and not let anyone bring her down. It’s funny because regarding Imogen, she can’t stand most of the things from her, but somehow she feels that Imogen is actually the only one who wants to be with her, whereas maybe other people or friends are with her for self-interest, or maybe that thought is wrong?

95. EVERYBODY’S GONE

Today Esther had new clothes to go out, the gifts! Imogen’s got drunk because she always drinks alone in the Sylvan, since Esther told her that she was not going there anymore, anyway… They have to put up with her, because besides when she’s drunk she’s even ruder (if possible), until she began to talk to a guy about philosophy and the girls decided to leave her with him, hahaha. They’ve run into Becky and when Esther told her what they had done, Becky got annoyed by that, “what? But these people who don’t know anything, why do they have to give their opinion??” She wanted to get Imogen, so Esther cheered her up laughing to go out with her then. Later, of course, they’ve seen Luke and Co., Esther lately talks a lot to a friend of him ‘The Quiet’ and debating about Maureen’s thing until she heard them and all blushed left with Ivy, and they left her alone. Esther felt like they don’t have sense of humour. Going home she saw Imogen, who was still drunk and scared her fooling around, she also said that Jay and George were around, and to follow them. Then in a pub they were with Hugh and his friends, joking and making jokes of Imogen, not even noticing it… Esther had to tell her and they both left because that was too much…

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